I'll Huff and I'll Puff

Here's your word for the day: puffery. Vlad navigated the murky waters of puffery (defined as: exaggerated praise or vague assertions) in his former life in packaged goods. Puffery might not be something you want in your ad copy, but it sure is something you want on your plate.

I'm talking, of course, of cream puffs, those dinky pastry pillows of eggy goodness. When's the last time you had a cream puff? I bet it's been way too long. In this tech-obsessed gourmet world, cream puffs are practically an endangered species, spotted only in the wilds of your grocer's freezer or high-end restaurant menus. I think that's a shame. Has everyone forgotten what a cheap and simple farmhouse dessert this is? Golly - check any of the homemaking heavyweights. You'll find cream puffs in them all:

You can see it on the covers, can't you? Yes, it was a simpler time. When your chickens got overambitious, you used up the egg glut in cream puffs. When your chickens were uninspired, you dreamed of a glut of cream puffs.You learned to make them at your Mother's or Gran's side. They taught you the simple tricks of cream puffery - especially those about timing the addition of ingredients and testing batter consistency. Those two simple tricks ensure delish results. Note that I said "simple" tricks. They really are simple. Your Grandma knew it!

But now? Everyone thinks they're hard to make because they've never made them or seen them made. Four different people I emailed today think only dessert manufacturing facilities or pro chefs can make them. How did we get so far off track? We have so much to learn from the past!

Thank heavens, the past is becoming cool again. To the folks who are now raising backyard chickens, as Seattleites are now permitted to do, I say congratulations! Flannery O'Connor would be so proud of you. I think she'd also approve of the project I have for you. Go on and save up those eggs until you have 6 or 8 (and 4 to 8 more if you want to make pastry cream to fill the puffs). Condo-fresh eggs, wow! You'll want to hug each of your dotty birds. They're going to give you a great dessert and a cheap and easy peace offering for the neighbors they're driving crazy.

Even if you're birdless, go on and give this one a shot. Don't be put off by the length of my instructions. The recipes I work from are just as succinct as the ones you use. What makes this column long is the addition of hints, tricks and tidbits you'd get in a real live cooking class. Still not convinced? How about if I tell you that this is like the little black dress of the dessert world. How so? Well, you can fill the puffs with anything you want - for example....

• pumpkin cream filling and maple syrup topping
• almond cream filling and applesauce topping
• whipping cream filling and white chocolate sauce
• ice cream filling and cherry sauce 
• the classic: creme patisserie (a.k.a. vanilla pudding) and chocolate sauce

...and the kicker? The puffs are unsweetened, so you can turn them into savory cocktail snacks by filling them with things like chicken salad, salmon mousse or, wow, caviar stirred into creme fraiche for some serious lily-gilding. How's that for versatile? 

If that doesn't sell you, how 'bout this? Of the three components, you can also cheat with the filling and frosting if you're pressed for time. If you like 'em, pudding mix and bottled dessert sauces will do in a pinch. I won't tell, promise.

So have I got you? Good. All cream puff recipes are essentially the same, so go and choose one from a book you trust. Read the recipe and my hints below completely first, then put together the following mise:

• oven preheated to 425 degrees F (do not let your oven heat any higher or wander around - your parchment pan liners are paper, and if Ray Bradbury has taught us nothing else, we know from him that paper burns at 451 degrees Fahrenheit. The contents of your fire extinguisher might look like powdered sugar, but the resemblance ends there)
• 3 or 4 rimmed baking sheets that are greased, lined with parchment paper and greased again (ideally greased with veg oil. Butter has such a low smoke/burn point that you could unwittingly invite Guy Montag to your kitchen)
• cooling rack set up and ready 
• stick thermometer (optional certainly but useful if you have it)
• large saucepan and heavy wooden spoon
• stand mixer if you have one, with beater attachment
• two clean teaspoons (the ones you stir your coffee with, not measuring spoons) 
• optional, so don't worry: a piping bag and two tips, one large plain (about Ateco #8 or #800) and one small plain (Ateco #4 or #400)
• food-safe paintbrush 

And of course your ingredients in order of appearance:

• water
• salt
• butter 
• flour
• eggs (crack them one by one into a small bowl, inspect them for freshness, then decant the good ones together into a biggish measuring cup for ease of pouring)

Here we go!

1. Put the large saucepan on a cold burner on your stove. Into the large saucepan, pour the required amount of water and salt. Cut the butter up into little pieces and toss it in too.

2. Turn the heat under the pan to low and allow the butter to melt completely, as you see below. Do not let the water boil - not yet.

3. Have ready the required amount of flour and your wooden spoon. When you have them ready beside you at the stove, increase the heat under the saucepan and bring the butter mixture to the boil.

4. Immediately when the mixture begins to boil (at "first froth" as you see below), stir in all of the flour at once and keep stirring vigorously for 30 seconds. Yes, it's sweaty work, but don't stop!

5. Move the saucepan off the heat and keep stirring for another minute. Reduce the burner heat to low and return the saucepan to it. Stir the dough ball constantly for 30 seconds more to dry it out a little.

6. Turn off the burner and remove the saucepan from it. If you have a stand mixer, transfer the dough ball to the mixer bowl and set the beater to stir it constantly (this will speed the cooling process). If you're making this by hand (nice biceps, by the way), keep stirring. Periodically check the temperature of the dough ball. You want it to cool at least to 150F before you add the eggs. If you don't have a thermometer, wait until you can rub the outer bottom of the bowl without shrieking. Once it cools to a point that it just feels really warm, you're in business.

7. When the dough ball is cool enough to accept the eggs, add one egg at a time, stirring steadily until it is evenly combined. When the egg first mixes with the dough, the mixture will get all glossy and slick and will break the dough into gooey lumps like you see below. Never mind- keep stirring. 

8. Your egg is fully incorporated when the batter smooths out again and looks batter-like just like this picture below. At this point, scrape the bowl down and add another egg. Repeat steps 7 and 8 until you have one egg left over in the measuring cup.

9. Now here's where your baker's instinct is required. The batter may not need the last egg (or the last two if you doubled the recipe, etc.etc.). How do you know? It's not because your arms are tired! If you scoop out a teaspoon of batter it should stay firm and not spread in the spoon. The batter should also look subtlely glossy, not dripping wet. It's decision time. If you decide you don't need the egg, you're ready to move onto step #10. If you decide you need it, incorporate it into the batter and separately crack another egg into the measuring cup for use in step #10.

10. Beat the leftover or newly cracked egg in its measuring cup until completely uniform, then stir in a teaspoon of milk. This is the egg wash you'll lightly brush onto your puffs before baking to make them golden brown. 

11. So then you have your choice - pipe the batter onto the prepared pans with a piping bag or scoop it like your Grandma did with teaspoons. The result is the same regardless, so don't sweat this step. A half-full spoon deposited on the pan will bake up to the size of a golf ball. Space them 3 inches apart on the baking sheets to give them room to puff.

12. Once you've loaded your pan, dip your brush in the egg wash and scrape as much excess off as possible. Gently brush the surface of the puffs without flattening them. Smooth out any "cowlicks" on the surface and also be sure to wipe away any visible yellow eggy clumps. 

13. Pop the sheet in the preheated oven and do the happy dance. Oh, joy! About 20 minutes later, your puffs will be puffed. Move them to a cooling rack and allow to cool completely. Many books will tell you to cut them in half while hot and scrape out any gooey insides, but I say why waste 'em? Cooled and later chilled, any gooeyness will firm up and add substance and structure to your puffs. 

14. Now for the other two components - sauce and filling. I have no recipe for my sauce - I just melt a couple of big bars of dark chocolate with two pints of of whipping cream over very low heat. Voila - painless and delish. When cool I decant it into a dollar store squeeze bottle. Done. For the filling I usually make creme patisserie from this lovely English recipe here (to which I always add a pinch of saffron to liven up the color). You'll find a practically identical recipe in your Joy of Cooking, but as I say, you're free to fill these with anything that works for you. If women can wear a suit from Target with Prada shoes, you can feel totally free to put Jell-O pudding into your puffs. Dessert should be happiness made edible!

15. If you do have a piping bag and a very small plain tip, it's useful to use them to poke a small hole in each puff (at a top crease or on the underside) and pipe the filling/pudding into them. A teaspoon will also work just fine if you gently pry the top open at a crease and tip the goo in. Whatever works, you know?

Here it is - it's all been leading up to this. Happy, happy cream puff world! Life is good. 

At the risk of resorting to puffery, I firmly believe that you'd be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't love cream puffs with a passion. Maybe you'd better call City Hall and see about that chicken permit!